Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I FOUND THE LEGS
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize