My liver just broke up with me...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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