Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize