it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
