i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
