is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
