I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my being single is dangerous.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We're too hungover to prance.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize