This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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