i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
