I'm gonna have a badass scar
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
