I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
