Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
