He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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