The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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