Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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