We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
