im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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