worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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