I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
