I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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