Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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