So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
