Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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