I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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