I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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