My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
