i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
