just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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