Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
All I want is dick and wine.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
