I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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