Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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