she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
