Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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