never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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