why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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