hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize