Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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