The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
