people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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