You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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