cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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