But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I still have a little drunk in my system
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
