Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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