im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
