hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
