I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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