I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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