If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
