Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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