I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
