WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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