I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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