JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Found the puke drawer
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
