I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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