i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
