What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
