Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she peed on how many people?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
