I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Semen is not good for contacts.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
