I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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