Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
