I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
